Chapter Thirty: Why do I write?

6/15/17

     I do realize it's been two weeks since I've posted anything. Time and time again, I keep letting myself down. I keep letting life get in the way. I can never stick to anything I say I'm going to do. I guess there's a few reasons for that. I'm selfish; I have more interest in being out, hanging out with friends, and having fun, and then when I get home I have no motivation to force myself to sit down and write. Maybe I need more self-discipline, who knows. Life always gets in the way of things I'm meant to be doing. There are so many things and people that require my attention; I guess maybe I don't have enough to go around. I wish I could be a better girlfriend, daughter, sister, auntie, friend. But I just simply lack many of the things that it takes. I do nothing with my life, nothing too exciting or productive at least. So why can't I do this one simple damn thing? Write something, anything, once a day? Why can't I commit to something as easy as this?

     I used to think I was this awesome writer. I used to think I had endless ideas of things to write about. I feel like I don't want to write about the same tired, boring things all the time that everyone writes about. I could write about my personal pain and sadness, experiences, love, happiness, I could write about my childhood, tell stories about my awkward teenaged years. But who would care? Who would honestly take the time to read about some boring 20-something who has no motivation to take over her own life? To be honest, I wouldn't. I don't even proofread my own writing before posting it on the internet. Why, you ask? Well, here's the answer: I just don't care. I write what I want, post it and hope for the best. I'm not doing this for the views, I'm not doing it for people to like me. I just want people to have some insight on what other people around them go through every day. I write to have a voice because I know my voice will be heard when others around me are struggling to have theirs heard. See, I'm LOUD. And when people read my writing, they see that I am loud and that my opinion is something I will always treasure and release at the worst possible moment. I have this thing called foot-in-mouth syndrome; and I'm 98% sure you've heard of it. Another term for it is "beauty sans brains." Other people who have this syndrome are Brittney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Jessica Simpson and Piper from Orange is the New Black. Whenever I say something, I almost always instantly regret it. I'm awkward, I can't make small talk to save my life, and I don't think before I speak. Sometimes I try to sound smarter than I really am and end up making myself look even stupider (which I'm pretty sure isn't even a real word, so go me). It happens to the best of us. It happens to me often, especially with people I either haven't seen in a while or people I'm just meeting. Everyone else I talk to already knows my condition and completely ignores it whenever possible.

     But, getting back to the topic, Why do I write? I write to make myself feel sane, to get it all out on paper, so to speak, and to try to help people see what my life is like, what my thought process is. Not that I think people are interested in my life in the least bit, but who knows, maybe there are some people who are. Thank you to the people who have always taken the time out of their day to read my posts, I really do appreciate it. And to my "friends" who always say they'll read it but never do, I'm about to talk shit about you because I know you'll never see it. JUST KIDDING, that's not my style... but seriously, y'all are a bunch of assholes. Kidding. I just want people to be able to read the stuff I write and take it seriously, but laugh at the same time. I want to share my experiences and sadness and happiness and maybe have at least one person take something away from it.

     I write mostly for myself, my own pleasure, because I have fun doing it. Sometimes I have nothing to say, but it's pretty rare. The reason why I go so long without writing is because I have too many thoughts in my head, too many things to say, and I can't pick a topic and stick to it. As you can tell... I know I've just jumped around and kind of made this post into a stream of consciousness kind of thing. But that's how I roll. I write to document things, such as feelings, hopes and dreams, so that I can go back someday and read it all, if the internet hasn't blown up and still exists, and hopefully say that my life has changed for the better. This blog is called the new me, after all, and I'm not sure if it is an appropriate title. I'd like to thing I've changed from the bratty teenager I used to be. You could ask anybody and I'm sure they'd all have different answers, depending on perspective. I've tried to chill, be one with my inner self, and be the real me. I think so far it's worked. Let's hope I keep on chugging along into this new me and really embrace it.

xx