Chapter Fourteen: Brain Dump


5/2/17


     Lately I've had the same things on my mind. I've felt like I've failed myself, and everyone I love. I've felt like I didn't know where I belonged. I've been sad for a while now; I haven't been my goofy, happy self. I can't explain the exact reason why at this time. I had everything going for me, and I still couldn't be happy. It's not like I hate life, or anything like that, because I love life. I have an amazing boyfriend, friends and family by my side who support me through everything going on. Even when I fail at things they're always there to encourage me and help me through it, and when my heart is broken they stay to pick up the pieces. But something has been holding me back from being happy. I haven't been doing the things I want to do for lack of caring, because I just can't get excited about anything that I used to. I can't pinpoint the moment that this all happened. It all just kind of fell apart over time. I lost my motivation to excel in things I do, and for that I apologize to everyone who's tried so hard to get me there.

     This isn't something to make you feel sorry for me. This isn't a pity party, or a dramatization. This is real, honest, raw thoughts that have been eating at me for too long now. This is just a brain dump, to clear my mind. I've been trying to think positive, but the world makes it hard. Too many bad things happen, and the good things haven't really been balancing them out as of late. I watch too much news, I hear too many things out there, and I read too many articles. This town, this state, and even this country, isn't the way it used to be. Maybe it's just because I'm growing up and getting older and am just now becoming aware of things going on around me. 

     If you're reading this, I need you to understand that I just need to get my feelings out, and this is the best way I know how. I'm literally just streaming straight from my brain and my heart right now. I need to get out there, I need to be out with people and have fun and be a 21 year old instead of staying home every night holed up in my room writing. I need to feel the fresh air and laugh my ass off with friends. But nobody wants to do anything anymore, they just want to keep themselves holed up, just like me. I wasn't always this way. I used to have fun all the time, no matter what I was doing. Now I just feel anxious and bored all the time. I want to feel life inside me, and energy, which I seem to have none anymore.

     One thing I still have, though, is hope. Hope that things will get better, that I will finally kick this bullshit and sadness that comes straight from the devil, and learn to be silly, happy, and LIVING again. Hope that I will finally do the things I've been saying that I wanted to do, and succeed at everything I try. Hope that I'll stop being in this lonely funk that closes me off from the world. I feel like I'm cheating myself out of my own happiness. Because I don't even try, and I have no one to blame but myself. So what I'm trying to do, and it's my personal goal for myself, is to figure out what I really want to be doing with my life, and DO IT. I'm realizing more and more that I'm still young, and I have time to go through a few things before I really know for sure what I want to be doing. But life is still short, and I have no more time to waste being sad and hating myself. It's time to kick myself out of this funk and live life, and live it well. Because I'm sick and tired of being down on myself, and I'm done feeling like I have accomplished nothing. I want people to remember me for something when I'm gone, and I want it to be for something positive. I want my husband, my kids, my parents, my siblings, my nieces and nephews, my friends, and everyone else to be proud that they knew me. Lastly, I hope that everyone reading this can get a little taste of what I've been feeling lately. And if you feel this way as well, I hope that something about these words struck a chord inside you that makes you want to get up and do something about it, too. You know where to find me, let's do this together!

xx

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