Chapter Two: Not Alone

4/20/17

    
     Have you ever sat in a room full of people and still felt absolutely alone? Well, I have. It's not like I didn't enjoy the company of the people in the room, and it's nothing personal to them. Just, feeling alone has always been a part of my life. Some people see being alone and being lonely as two different things. I disagree. I've felt both at separate times, in separate situations. Just because you have people around you that love you, it doesn't necessarily mean you don't feel alone.

     Sometimes, being alone can be good. Believe me, I'm trying to be able to be alone. But when you're sitting in a room and you are physically alone with nothing to occupy you, your mind can tend to wander. When this happens to me, I'm usually staring mindlessly at a screen, not even paying attention to what's on it. My brain starts to play with me, thoughts darting around faster than fireflies. Thoughts about people, my body, my past mistakes, and what I'm going to do with my life, just anything that can't be good for someone to dwell on. Most recently, my thoughts have been about how I'm going to start to become this "New Me" I've been ranting about. Feeling sorry for myself just isn't an option anymore. I've been told numerous times that I feel sorry for myself too much. And maybe it's true. I am also   WAY too hard on myself sometimes, I can admit that, because I know I should be making better decisions for my life. I didn't always realize that beating yourself up can be far worse for mental health than someone else doing the beating. Spending time alone to reflect on things can be something to drive you crazy, but being afraid to be alone, like I am, is not healthy. That's why I'm making an effort to find things that are fun to do alone, like drawing with headphones blasting in my ears, re-organizing my room, reading, taking a nice drive, spending time outside, etc.. It's been helping somewhat, and I've been trying my hardest to find joy in all of my alone time.

     I guess what helped me the most was realizing my own self-worth. If you've ever been in love, you know the feeling you have when you realize the person you're in love with is in love with you back? It's the best feeling in the world. I used to feel so down on myself all the time. I called myself stupid, ugly, fat, worthless, every name in the book pretty much. I've always struggled with the way I look, and finding beautiful things about myself never seemed like an option. And it's not like people in high school helped things much, either. I was always picked on. It wasn't always obvious that I was being picked on, and maybe sometimes I was paranoid thinking that someone was laughing or talking behind my back or that people were always making fun of me. It's just what I had become accustomed to. And NO, I'm not saying this shit to make people feel bad for me. I just needed to give a little bit of a background to these feelings I've felt.

   After high school was over, I felt a little more secure in who I was. People weren't as immature anymore, and they were kinder to me, and I decided to be kinder to myself. But I still had these nagging thoughts and feelings that I should look more like the women on the covers of magazines. Or I should look more like the "popular" girls from school. In college there were pretty, skinny girls in all of my classes that seemed to have it together. Why couldn't I be more like them? And then when my afore-mentioned breakup with Number Two was happening, that's all I could think about.

He's dumping me to find a skinnier, prettier girl, and they're going to end up living happily ever after and I'm going to die alone. NOT WITH CATS, because I hate cats. But I will die alone.

     Now, believe me, I know now that I shouldn't have been thinking those thoughts, because I was only 20 years old. I was still young. Erm, AM still young.(insert tongue-sticking-out face here). But these are the kinds of thoughts that run through your mind when you go through a break-up right before your 21st birthday (right?!). Anyways, I went through that break-up and I was still feeling sorry for myself, still thinking I was ugly and I'd never find another man again. Flash-forward to months later, when I meet that wonderful man and I don't believe that he would ever get into a long distance relationship just for someone like me. I guess I was wrong.

    He tells me every day that I'm beautiful. And amazing, and the best, and cool, and funny, and smart. Every. Single. Day. How amazing is that?! At first I didn't believe it, but he insists. I have to believe that, right? I think he planned this. I think he wanted to drill it into my head so much that I'd start to believe it myself. It's working, guys. It really is. And it doesn't matter that he's 2,000 miles away. I can still feel the love, and because of this, I do not feel alone anymore. Even if I am physically alone. It feels a little less lonely knowing there's someone who cares this much about me, and not someone who is related to me and has no choice but to be around me. Maybe once he is around me all the time and he realizes how bat-shit crazy I am, he'll feel differently. But it feels good right now just to know that I am not alone as I thought I always was.

I know I've rambled enough for today, so I'll end it on this note: Even if you do feel alone, or lonely, or whatever you want to call it, there's always someone out there who really does care for you and want the best for you. And if you're feeling down on yourself and just generally a failure, I want you to know that I've felt these exact things, and I do have two ears, so I will listen. You never have to feel like nobody cares. This has been Chapter Two of the New Me. Until next time, folks.

 

xx